While on a recent trip to Ireland, I was challenged to be more quiet and reflective. The new scenery, changed pace and unique culture allowed me to ponder a bit more deeply with God. One of my ponderings was the reality that, due to how harsh life can be sometimes, I felt like I used to be more light and innocent. Complicated ministry seasons, the challenges of caregiving, grief/loss and disappointment had left me craving the innocence of lighter days and seasons.
The Cambridge Dictionary shares the following definition of innocence that my heart resonates with: the quality of not having much experience of life and not knowing about the bad things that happen in life. EX: She has a childlike innocence.
When you walk through seasons that are filled with grief and disappointment, it’s easy to stop feeling the childlike innocence as you mature into a potentially cynical perspective. This awareness was a huge “180” as I am naturally positive and hopeful. But, I am also human. It was standing in a prayer labyrinth in Ireland where I expressed my desire to God to return to the innocence and light-heartedness with which I formerly approached even harsh realities. I was reminded of Revelation 2:3-5 :
You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.
It was in that moment that I felt the Lord calling me back to a lighter, trusting state. He reminded me that I could trust him to provide, redeem and guide me. He reminded me that this would also require me to guard my heart against any cynical hardness that assignments, responsibilities or experiences were creating. When we allow our hearts to harden, we may think we are protecting ourselves, yet in reality we are creating a barrier of our own created safety. Instead, we need to trust God to provide protection, safety and provision in the midst of hard season. Proverbs 4:23 reminds us to “keep our heart with all diligence”. I was closing my heart rather than keeping it. In the end, it isn’t so much a loss of innocence, but a deeper awareness of the need for God to fill me and be trusted in all things.
How have you left your first love? What is happening in your own life that feels like a loss of light-hearted innocence? Are you spiritually just “going through the motions”? How can the reminder to return to the Lord help you give him fuller access to your heart ?
Prayer prompt: Ask God to return you to the awe of who He Is. Ask for ability to express gratitude. Cry out for renewed motivation for all you do to be out of love and not obligation.
Verses to ponder: Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23; I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26
